Stepford Wife in the making?

So I see myself becoming a Stepford wife.

Little too soon? YEAH! Of course.

But what else can there be beyond a certain point? What else is there to a relationship after you've reached...this...and arrived at...this place?

I realize I'm being ridiculously cryptic (not to mention, I'm being just plain ridiculous too), but I've never done something like this. Something that might actually...matter. So bear with me; I'm finding difficulty putting it into words.

You know, people think that there's 'like', then there's 'love' (ugh - don't even get me started), and then there's different variants of growing and sharing and caring. ...but beyond that? It seems to me all the components are pointing to something: one headlong rush towards the alter. In growing relationships, marriage becomes the inevitable.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not talking about a wedding; that's a whole separate arena - the whole romantic proposal, rock-the-size-of-my-fist, "oh I knew this would happen for you!", wedding registries, white dress, big reception, four-tiered cake with the little people on top (of course) - I'm not saying it's a fate worse than death, but it's more stress than it's worth and it's definitely not for everyone.

I'm talking about marriage. It's almost as if you're supposed reach this 'magical', imaginary point in the relationship (very similar to that magical point where you're supposed to miraculously turn from a teenager into an adult) where you're supposed to say  "Oh. Well this is it! There's no where else this relationship can go but marriage! Lets do it!" Out rolls the white picket fence, the 2.4 kids and the little puppy bounding about in the back yard. Not to mention the knitting, carpooling, mortgages and hosting Saturday night dinner parties; none of which I actually have a problem with, per se (especially not the puppy part). It's just everything else.

The lifestyle is a choice. If you want it? More power to ya! But if not, there's got to be another way the relationship can go. ...right?

And much, much further down the line, after you've reached and passed the 'inevitable' exchange of vows, are you paying for your choices? When it comes to the point that you're with someone because you have this life, but you're not necessarily happy with the way you're living. Yes, you have the wonderful picturesque life and the great guy and the perfect, little, happy, smiling kids - the life that all grown ups and Disney movies tell kids is the way you should hope your life turns out. But what if that's not really what you want? Or what if it is, but you're not sure you want it, or that you're ready for it just yet? What if you still want to find out what else there is to life?

And is it okay to step on other people's feelings (whether its reluctantly or not) to fight for what you want? Because your actions aren't just about you anymore; they affect the whole 'unit'. The binding laws of marriage have suddenly linked every decision you make to another who may or may not share the same feelings, views, wants, desires as you. If that wasn't bad enough, everyone who interacts with you, who knows you, sees you as part of this 'unit'. Your family, your friends, your bank accounts and retirement funds. Everything in your life is touched by this decision - and although I feel pretty sure you're delusional if you don't see that, could it be that you can still maintain some individuality and freedom of choice? (and if so, how?) But if this is miraculously not the case (which I drudgingly suspect it is), what do you do then?

Call me young, but I cant see myself living 'behind' someone just for the sake of the stability of their life, their world, their happiness. What about my happiness? And yeah, call me the cynic or the bitch or whatever, but I've got to look out for myself. No one else will. Not really, at least.

If I'm ever in that situation, where I'm in a relationship - which by definition is supposed to be intrinsically fulfilling - for someone else's sake and not my own, you can be sure as hell that I'm going to end it. And I would expect the same respect from anyone else. Period. No matter how happy or involved I am in any sort of relationship I'm in, or how much our 'unit' has affected the rest of our lives. It's basic decency.

So back to my original point: no, I'm not 'in love', and I'm sure as hell not ready to get married (if I even want to do that). I just so happen to be covered so head to toe in issues, and have only had relationships with guys who are doormats and puppy dogs before, that I have no sense of what a 'normal' relationship entails (not that the relationship I'm in is 'normal', but it's as close as I've come). I seem to think that I'm a hop, skip and a jump away from matrimony, since I have no idea what it means to be on the path I'm on.

Is it a path even? Starting at first impressions and ending with "I do"? Or is that not even the end? I'm sure people grow during their marriages...or so television tells me.

(wow writing this post has gotten me to consider arranged marriages in a whole new light)

Maybe it's a tree; you start at the bottom but "till death do you part" is just one branch.

Or better yet, maybe people start from different places too... 

...it's starting to seem more and more like a complex game of snakes and ladders.

Well, I have no idea where my ladder is going or where it ends. I've got this stereotype in my head; that this type of ladder (the 'normal' resembling type) ends ends up with my own personal Brady Bunch. But while writing this, it's become more and more clear to me that I'm jumping to conclusions. You just can't go from zero to Stepford in 3.5 seconds flat, no matter which ladder you're on.

I cant help but wonder, why aren't any of the other stages on the ladder mentioned? You have first dates, followed by matrimony. What about all the gray area in between? I'm sure other people have gone through it...(selfish bastards aren't sharing what they know!)

What happens between like and love, love and Stepford?

I guess I'll have to continue along the ladder to find out for myself. And why, you might ask, is the commitment phobic psycho continuing down this path? Who knows. Where will it lead? Once again, who knows. It could take a million twists and turns, or end at any time. So why am I going on? Beats me.

But I guess that's half the fun, right?